Table 1 Examples of Student Revisions to... | Emerald Publishing

Table 1

Examples of Student Revisions to On-Demand Writing Prompt

Responses to Video Game Prompt
Rough Drafts	Final Drafts	Student Explanations
Melanie
In my opinion they are a bad influence. If you think about how many video games actually premote dangerous weapons and actions. Halo is one of the many video games who actually premotes many dangerous weapons and actions for those who play the game.	My opinion is video games are a bad influence on kids. If you think about how many video games promote dangerous actions, you would rethink buying or playing these games. It’s dangerous for people to absorb violence in the games, because they may reenact what they see. For example, Halo is a game that promotes extreme violence. The point of Halo is to kill the enemy with any kind of weapon they can find.	I originally said “In my opinion they are a bad influence.” That’s not very clarified, so I took out the in and added, “My opinion is video games are a bad influence on kids” which sounded more mature, more understandable, and now you know I’m talking about video games and kids. Before you didn’t know what I was talking about. It improved how I was speaking and it improved to show who I was talking to, who was my audience.
Derrick
Video Games are a bad influence I thank that videos are bad Because The influence you to Do Bad stuff for example: Drinking, Smoking and participate in illegal and Danger stuff. I Thank videos games are bad influences Because video can crupt you rmind for example: Say if you mom said Do your homework and you said im in The middle of a battle and it come time for school and you Didn’t Do you home work	Video Games are a bad influence Because? (title added) Video Gamems are Bad Because The influence you to Do Bad stuff for example: Drinking, Smoking and participate in illegal and dangerous stuff Video games are bad Because They cruptp you mind fo example: Say you mom said do your home work and you replid back and said im in The middle of a battle in my game Then it comes time for school and you didn’t Do you Homework and Now what you going to do for Homework.	It (pointing to the last line) was an idea that I knew but I forgot it. Then when I got down to the middle I thought, ‘wait, I forgot something up here.’ So I reread it and I had to plug in where it goes. I found that if goes right there after ‘work’ and then I had to find a way to put it in there so I drew a line to it and put it at the bottom.
Stephanie
My best friend had just moved into a new neighborhood. She didn’t know very many people. There was a group of girls who always walked around the neighborhood, they were “The cool girls” My best friend wanted more than anything to be one of them. Sometimes they would look at her, but they never invited her to hang out.	New Kid on the Block (subheading added)My best friend Tyrie had just moved into a new neighborhood. She didn’t know very may people except for one girl. Her “new friend” often put her in situations were she could either “do what she was told” or be “friendless.”	I added details so they would get the emotion because in the prompt it specifically says emotions. So I took out less of the details and put more emotional details. This paragraph was like two paragraphs of just detail. It was like telling a story like, ‘then, and next, and afterward’ and it was just a lot of what I felt was unnecessary.
Desiree
But one day him and his gang members were trying to set up another gang and also try to shoot a few of them because thats just what gangs do. So the person that was going to do all the shooting was going to be my cousin but he didnt really wanna do all that because what if he got calt then he would be the only person who would og to jail or maybe get shoot or killed. So they kept pressuring his to do it. But my cousin was so scared because he didnt know what to do. So they let him think about it till it turned around when it was starting to get dark.	But one day him and his gang members were trying to set up another gang. So the person that was going to be doing all the shooting was going to be my cousin but he didnt really want to do all that. So they started pressuring him to do it. But my cousin was so scared because he didn’t know what to do. So they gave him time to think about it	I went over it and all this stuff that I didn’t want in there. After I read it over, ‘cause I was just writing and when I went over it I seen all this stuff that didn’t need to be in there or didn’t really matter, I took it out. ‘Cause some of it was like too much information. Like on some of them I accidentally put the name, which people didn’t need to know and that’s about it. It was too personal.

Responses to Video Game Prompt
Rough Drafts	Final Drafts	Student Explanations
Melanie
In my opinion they are a bad influence. If you think about how many video games actually premote dangerous weapons and actions. Halo is one of the many video games who actually premotes many dangerous weapons and actions for those who play the game.	My opinion is video games are a bad influence on kids. If you think about how many video games promote dangerous actions, you would rethink buying or playing these games. It’s dangerous for people to absorb violence in the games, because they may reenact what they see. For example, Halo is a game that promotes extreme violence. The point of Halo is to kill the enemy with any kind of weapon they can find.	I originally said “In my opinion they are a bad influence.” That’s not very clarified, so I took out the in and added, “My opinion is video games are a bad influence on kids” which sounded more mature, more understandable, and now you know I’m talking about video games and kids. Before you didn’t know what I was talking about. It improved how I was speaking and it improved to show who I was talking to, who was my audience.
Derrick
Video Games are a bad influence I thank that videos are bad Because The influence you to Do Bad stuff for example: Drinking, Smoking and participate in illegal and Danger stuff. I Thank videos games are bad influences Because video can crupt you rmind for example: Say if you mom said Do your homework and you said im in The middle of a battle and it come time for school and you Didn’t Do you home work	Video Games are a bad influence Because? (title added) Video Gamems are Bad Because The influence you to Do Bad stuff for example: Drinking, Smoking and participate in illegal and dangerous stuff Video games are bad Because They cruptp you mind fo example: Say you mom said do your home work and you replid back and said im in The middle of a battle in my game Then it comes time for school and you didn’t Do you Homework and Now what you going to do for Homework.	It (pointing to the last line) was an idea that I knew but I forgot it. Then when I got down to the middle I thought, ‘wait, I forgot something up here.’ So I reread it and I had to plug in where it goes. I found that if goes right there after ‘work’ and then I had to find a way to put it in there so I drew a line to it and put it at the bottom.
Stephanie
My best friend had just moved into a new neighborhood. She didn’t know very many people. There was a group of girls who always walked around the neighborhood, they were “The cool girls” My best friend wanted more than anything to be one of them. Sometimes they would look at her, but they never invited her to hang out.	New Kid on the Block (subheading added)My best friend Tyrie had just moved into a new neighborhood. She didn’t know very may people except for one girl. Her “new friend” often put her in situations were she could either “do what she was told” or be “friendless.”	I added details so they would get the emotion because in the prompt it specifically says emotions. So I took out less of the details and put more emotional details. This paragraph was like two paragraphs of just detail. It was like telling a story like, ‘then, and next, and afterward’ and it was just a lot of what I felt was unnecessary.
Desiree
But one day him and his gang members were trying to set up another gang and also try to shoot a few of them because thats just what gangs do. So the person that was going to do all the shooting was going to be my cousin but he didnt really wanna do all that because what if he got calt then he would be the only person who would og to jail or maybe get shoot or killed. So they kept pressuring his to do it. But my cousin was so scared because he didnt know what to do. So they let him think about it till it turned around when it was starting to get dark.	But one day him and his gang members were trying to set up another gang. So the person that was going to be doing all the shooting was going to be my cousin but he didnt really want to do all that. So they started pressuring him to do it. But my cousin was so scared because he didn’t know what to do. So they gave him time to think about it	I went over it and all this stuff that I didn’t want in there. After I read it over, ‘cause I was just writing and when I went over it I seen all this stuff that didn’t need to be in there or didn’t really matter, I took it out. ‘Cause some of it was like too much information. Like on some of them I accidentally put the name, which people didn’t need to know and that’s about it. It was too personal.

Note: *Students chose to respond to one of two prompts: one addressing whether video games were good or bad for children and one addressing experiences with peer pressure.