Chapter 22: Flipping The Mirror: A Xicana Researcher Negotiating With the Act of Reflection

It was about two months after I had finished collecting data that I was engrossed in the process of analyzing the transcriptions. I was actually quite excited because there was finally an opportunity to document the experiences of critical Xicana/Xicano educators in the classroom by answering the following dissertation question: How do critical Xicana/Xicano educators conceptualize their role in the classroom when working with Raza students? Moreover, what perspectives do critical Xicana/Xicano educators offer in understanding identity and the integration of a critical way of being when teaching Raza students? Having had been a classroom teacher myself, I could relate to the struggles and highlights of the comrades who shared their stories with me. When they spoke about what it meant to be Xicana/Xicano educators in the classroom, I could feel their emotions as if they were my own. It was evident that these educators viewed their role as one beyond just teaching students that 2 + 2 equals 4—they felt a political responsibility to circumvent inequities imposed upon Raza students. As a result, I was enthusiastic, because I believed this dissertation was our opportunity to state, as Xicana/Xicano educators, what we considered important in regards to the education of Raza students. When I finished writing about the first two participants, I handed my draft to my mentor who was also a member of my dissertation committee. Approximately a week later, we set up a two-hour block of time to meet and review his comments. When the day came, I recall entering his office and feeling as if I was going to get sick. Something was bothering me, I could feel it, and I knew what it was about. An unexpected finding had emerged that I was not anticipating and when I submitted my first draft. I made no mention of it because I knew it would change the my initial purpose of this study. What I discovered was that in the midst of the good work these Xicana/o teachers were engaged in, they would contradict their own critical pedagogical objectives by unintentionally reverting to hegemonic practices in their classrooms. So, as I closed the door behind me and sat next to him, he took a deep breath and said “Do you have your armor on? Because this is going to hurt.” At that moment I knew he had identified what I had left out and he point-blank asked me, “What do you truly want to accomplish from this dissertation?” He elaborated by asking whether my purpose was to put something out in the community that ultimately would benefit the education of Raza students—or was the goal to just pat ourselves on the back as Xicana/Xicano educators? Upon reflection on the question, I got very nervous because in my mind there were political ramifications no matter what position I took. For example, if the role of this dissertation was to “pat ourselves on the back,” did we miss an opportunity to have dialogue and analyze our next steps as Xicana/o educators? On the other hand, if we list areas of concern regarding our role and pedagogy as Xicana/o educators, do we leave ourselves open to White dominant criticism regarding teachers of color? In my attempts to determine what to do, I chose to include in my dissertation what I titled “missed opportunities.” “Missed opportunities” was a section that exposed components of the participants’ teaching practice found to be contradictory or lacking in pedagogical development. At the end, I chose the latter, but not without reservation (to this day) or implications.