Unapologetically her: leadership lessons from mom

The narrative of this article is a culmination of two lived experiences of the children of Melanie Elliott: Seth Kastle and Courtney Imhoff. Our mother has been the foundational influence on who we are and has been the catalyst in our development of a bias for action, a willingness to lead and a drive to take care of others. Through the process of writing, it became evident that, rather than conflating the overall narrative of this article into one voice, the stories were better told when preserved in their individual narratives. The reader will note that above each paragraph is a name, denoting the person telling the story. This Leadership Origins article is dedicated to our mother, Melanie Elliott.

The original dedication in my doctoral dissertation read: “To Mom: You hard-nosed, stubborn son of a bitch, thank you for never giving up on me.” My committee chair advised me to revise it for professional reasons. The tepid version I ultimately included, while more appropriate, did not fully reflect the nature of who our mother was. It lacked the rawness and deep gratitude I felt for the impact she had on my life. That is my purpose for writing this Leadership Origins article: to explore the depth and breadth of our mother's influence on me, both as a man and as a leader.

Our family was a blended family, though that was not the culture by which we lived. I am the youngest of three siblings, and in our home, there were no half siblings, only brothers and sisters. My oldest sister, Courtney (who is co-authoring this article), and I lived together full-time, while my middle sister Curry lived with her mom about an hour away. Every other weekend, Courtney would go and visit her dad, and every couple of weeks, Curry would come stay with us for the weekend. While our family structure was non-traditional, there is no part of it that I would change.

Our mother's leadership has always been evident, but it was especially illuminated during one of the most difficult times in my life. About nine years ago, I was involved in a serious car accident; I was T-boned on the highway and was fortunate to survive. I sustained nine broken bones, including fractures in both arms. I spent five days in the hospital, followed by five weeks in full arm casts, and endured several more weeks with limited mobility after the casts were removed.

At 38 years old, I went from being an independent, capable adult to someone who couldn't feed herself or perform even the most basic tasks of being human. The loss of autonomy was as painful as the physical injuries. During this time, our mom's example of leadership became a lifeline. Her unwavering support and selflessness were not just acts of care; they were powerful demonstrations of what it means to lead. This experience serves as the foundation for many of the insights I will share in this article.

I am a retired Army First Sergeant. Over the course of my military career, I held a variety of leadership roles, including Platoon Sergeant, Drill Sergeant and First Sergeant. I served in Afghanistan in 2002, and again during the Invasion of Iraq in 2003 and 2004. After retiring from the military, I earned a doctorate and became a Professor of Leadership at a regional comprehensive university. Throughout my journey, I have had the privilege of serving as both a practitioner and scholar in the discipline of leadership. Countless individuals have poured their knowledge and experience into me, but none more profoundly than our mother.

After graduating from college, I found my way into the Human Resources (HR) industry. I earned a master's degree in public administration and several human resources and organizational development certifications. I have worked in the public sector, retail, construction and the non-profit world. During my career, I have often found myself as an HR department of one, reporting directly to the owners or the CEO of an organization who usually know how to operate a business, but not how to be legal, compliant and human with their staff. I have led directly and indirectly in multiple organizations, shaping cultures with compassion and consistency. The ethics and strength I need in these roles can be traced directly back to our mother's influence.

In the process of writing this article, we spent a great deal of time reflecting on what it was about our mother's approach to life that prepared us for the challenges we have faced as adults. Through conducting a literature review, it became apparent that many of the traits and behaviors of our mom were documented in leadership theory. Distilling a lifetime of lessons into a handful of core guiding principles is no easy task, but we have identified three foundational pillars that define her influence on us: Candor, Grit and Service. In the paragraphs that follow, we did our best to honor the woman who raised us, and whose examples have enabled our success in both our professional and personal lives.

After joining the Army during my senior year, I attended Basic Combat Training (BCT) at Fort Knox, Kentucky. I was surrounded by 44 young men from all walks of life. Some of the trainees in 4th Platoon, C Company, 5/46th Infantry arrived as I did, already equipped to handle the harshness of the institutional training environment. Others struggled significantly to adapt to the new world in which they found themselves.

BCT was, without question, the hardest thing I had done in my life up to that point. But as difficult as it was, I was fortunate to arrive with a kind of life callous. It allowed me to absorb the good, discard the bad and ultimately succeed in this high-stress environment. Not all of my peers were as lucky.

Our mom has always had the gift of candor. During my recovery from the accident, there were plenty of moments when I just wanted to sit down, cry and feel sorry for myself. Our mom knew how to strike the perfect balance. She let me have those moments, but also reminded me that wallowing wouldn't help me heal. She's never been one to shy away from the truth, and sometimes that meant telling us what we needed to hear, even when it was hard. She has always been the one to remind us that doing the tough stuff, especially when we did not want to, was often the only way forward.

In terms of the contemporary framework offered by Scott (2019) in Radical Candor, our mom leaned heavily into the Challenge Directly side of the compass. From an organizational perspective, candor is essential. People at all levels deserve honest, direct feedback from their leaders (Taylor, 2019). Candor isn't just about speaking truth; it is about doing so in a way that helps others grow (Edmondson, 2019). Our mother's unapologetic approach to communication instilled in us the ability to face hard truths, accept criticism, but most importantly, the ability to communicate the difficult messages people do not want to hear.

True candor in leadership conveys a bond of trust (Kautz, 2021). Our strong relationship with our mother was built on this foundation. Because she was our mom, we knew she wanted us to be the best versions of ourselves. Candor without the foundation of trust can easily miss the intended mark and can be received as overly cold or even hurtful (Le, Chopik, Shimshock, & Chee, 2022). We could accept the raw feedback we received, because we knew it came from a place of love and care.

Grit is conceptualized as passion and perseverance toward long-term goals, and has long been associated with optimal performance, goal attainment and effective leadership (Datu, 2021). For much of the late 1980s and early 1990s, our mom was a young single mother after my father passed way in 1987. In 1991, she married an incredible man who has been a constant positive presence in our lives, and who continues to be today. He is a devoted husband and a loving father. But during those early years as a widow, she was a one-person show. She worked pumping gas and changing oil at the local service station until she was laid off in the late 1980s. Especially in the years immediately following my father's death, she made many of the clothes we wore to school. As children, it's difficult to grasp the trials parents face. Of course, my siblings and I wanted the latest styles, but the reality was that we could not afford them. Whether it was homemade parachute pants or her trial-and-error attempts to frost jeans using bleach in the bathtub, she did everything in her power to give us the things we thought were important. At the end of the day, we always had what we needed, and often, much of what we wanted. In truth, we had it better than many kids. She simply did what had to be done.

That posture of relentless drive has served me well throughout my own life. As a husband and father, my journey has been filled with obstacles, just like anyone else's. The life of an early-career faculty member teaching social sciences at a regional comprehensive university in rural America is far from lucrative. The early years of my teaching career were especially difficult for my family. We made the decision for my wife to stay home with our daughters when they were young, which meant living on a single income. During these years, my base salary was less than I earned as a young sergeant in the Army. The difference was that now I was responsible for feeding four mouths as opposed to just one.

It was the grit instilled in me by our mother that saw me through those times. Those years were the most painful I have ever lived through, but also the most formative. I could not have survived the pressure and demands of that time without the foundation of toughness, and sheer determination that our mother modeled for us. I endured by living the example she set.

Grit was one of the biggest reasons I made it through the difficult period following my accident. I understood that the only way out was through, and that meant buckling down, accepting help and staying mentally strong. Once the casts came off, I had to dig deep into my reserves of grit to push through physical therapy and rebuild my strength and mobility. We were raised not to be quitters, and looking back, it's clear that Mom's example is where we first learned what grit truly looked like.

Researchers have explored the importance of non-cognitive predictors, such as grit, in the context of success at work, school and other facets of life (Duckworth & Yeager, 2015; Robbins, Allen, Casillas, Peterson, & Le, 2006). In addition, studies have shown that the tendency to show diligence, despite challenges and difficulties, can predict a variety of positive outcomes (Datu, 2021; Duckworth & Quinn, 2009; Eskreis-Winkler, Shulman, Beal, & Duckworth, 2014). Throughout our childhood and her life, our mother has epitomized the essence of grit. From the challenges she faced as a young adult, to the death of her husband and raising children as a single mother, to enduring health setbacks and chronic pain, she has persisted. Leadership is not about a position; it is about the ability to endure hardship, maintain focus on long-term goals and model determination for others so they can weather the inevitable storms that will come (Campbell, Campbell, & Ness, 2008).

Operation Support Our Soldiers (S.O.S.), was an organization our mom founded in 2002 to send care packages to deployed soldiers. When I was in Iraq in 2003, I was fortunate to be selected for four days of a mid-tour R&R in Qatar. When I returned to Iraq, I found a stack of boxes that was taller than I was, stacked in front of my tent. She had mailed nearly 300 pillows so that every soldier in my battalion could have one.

The impact she had on thousands of service members throughout the two decades of the Global War on Terror is both immeasurable and significant. Leadership is about making real changes, not incremental improvements (Crawford, Brungardt, & Maughan, 2005). While numbers can never fully capture her contribution, she sent over 15,000 care packages during the war. A colleague once said to me, “Through your mom's grief from you going to war, she mobilized a whole state.” I can think of no description more fitting of her Herculean effort to support deployed service members.

As I regained use of my arms, my independence came roaring back. I was immensely grateful for the help given to me from our mom. Service is something our mom has always demonstrated, and I've spent the last nine years looking for opportunities to repay her and others for their help, and paying it forward where I can. I have donated money, helped people after their own injuries and been able to be a compassionate friend or colleague when people need it.

The manner in which leaders interact with their followers can significantly impact both follower motivation and organizational success (Lu, Falahat, & Cheah, 2024). At her core, our mother is a caregiver. This is evident not only in the way she parented but also in how she has cared for countless others throughout her life. She has transported people from our small rural Kansas town and surrounding communities to medical appointments across the entire state. She has done the hard, soul-draining work of caregiving when no one else could. She has shepherded others through their final years, offering grace, dignity and love. Leadership requires facing the hard times to do what is right in the service of other people; our mother has demonstrated her willingness and ability to do so time and time again (Eme-Osiri & Ake, 2019).

There isn't a single leadership model that perfectly captures who our mother is. Instead, we have selected themes that best illustrate the remarkable woman she is. Practitioners of leadership often operate outside the boundaries of traditional scholarship (Aram & Salipante, 2003). In reality, nothing fits neatly into the theoretical boxes that are prevalent in literature.

Thank you, Mom, for always showing us how to survive, how to lead by example and how to be who we needed to be in the moment. We hope you know that every success your children have achieved is built on the foundation you laid; we are quite literally standing on your shoulders. Thank you for always being unapologetically you. We love you.