Chapter 24: Maybe One Day…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never been happy. In fact, I don’t know what happiness is nor do a lot of people. Some people think it’s an emotion or feeling. Personally, I just think it’s a state of calmness, peace of mind with an ability to deal with whatever life throws at you. Unfortunately, I’ve never been there…yet. From about the age of 10, which is as far as my memory goes, I was an unhappy child and kept to myself. I have always felt uncomfortable in this world, as if I wasn’t made for it or I was a mistake. For various reasons, but we’ll get to that. Around this time, I was suicidal but unaware. I was actually unaware of how I was feeling and thinking because I didn’t know any better or couldn’t understand it. My mother had found a drawing I had done, depicting me hanging from a tree. But why? Why was I feeling like this? What happened? Could it have been the fact that I was horrifically bullied? Maybe because my father wasn’t around? Or was I just born like this? It’s a billion-dollar question, and still, to this day, no one has been able to answer it. I mean, they’ve all had their say, but all have a different take on why I am the way I am. I must mention that I’ve been to them all, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, addiction counsellors, psychiatric hospitals, rehabilitation clinics, nutritionists, neuroscientists and the list goes on.